What’s Up With Cats? Thoughts From a Dog Mom

For the first 36 years of my life, I was a dog person. I’d never owned or spent any significant time with cats. They seemed a little standoffish, if I’m being honest. I like the validation my puppies give me as I walk in the door. Sure, it’s a little bit needy and over the top when they freak out like I just came home from war. I only left for about 7 minutes to run to the Sheetz to fill up my ungodly large 57 oz bucket of Diet Coke, but a girl has to get through the workday and neither of them is great with car rides. I think the three of us have been getting along just fine for all of these years on work days. The weekends, with the kids and Kevin home are another story but the puppies like that chaos for a change of pace.

We have a good routine. They lounge in their beds or on mine until I wake up, then follow me around, helping wake up the kids. I make my coffee and while it’s brewing, each puppy gets a little treat and goes out to pee. I let them in and we head to the library for newspaper and sitting in the chair time. Once work starts, we all migrate to the desk where each puppy has another bed to ‘work’ from. Honestly, they are great coworkers. You should hire some puppies. In the winter we have a heater spaced to keep us all extra cozy and in summer we have a fan. We have very specific temperature requirements. Throughout the day, they have a few more outdoor excursions and a 2pm snack break. If I move even a foot from my desk, there is a little train behind me, often following so close that my calf gets bumped by noses with every step. I am used to this routine. And I have OCD so routine works for me.

Over the summer I made the ill conceived decision to let my teenager get a cat. I thought, small dog that pees indoors. She agreed to clean the litter box so, what’s one more car on the train?

I was wrong. Cats are not like small dogs. They are like tiny chaos minions. Pokemon without magic, but with just as much destruction in their hearts. The animals got along as well as we could have hoped. Our elderly puppy, Gus, was unenthused by the cat sitting in his bed and the cat didn’t like that the other dog, Jules, licked her in the face. A hierarchy needed to be established in those early days. I think the cat is on top. Gus is a little growly at her still but I’ve seen her in his bed and Jules goes to lick her but doesn’t. Lessons were learned. And that’s big for Jules. My dearly loved but incredibly inbreed puppy who is missing both the pigment in one of her eyes and an entire kidney. Imagine the vet’s surprise when not only did he find out she had neither ovaries nor testicles but ‘ovesticles’ but was also missing an entire organ. That puppy is a survivor. The vet asked to keep the ovesticals to show future students. Since I wasn’t permitted to keep them as my own macabre library edition, I figured someone should get to use them and I said yes. I can only hope that 10 years later they are still educating and befuddling the masses.

Sorry I got distracted by my inbred dog. You won’t believe how often that happens. Back to Waffles, the kitty. Now when I make my morning coffee, she is all over the place. Sniffing the grounds, slinking around while I fill up my cup. I’m probably drinking a shit ton of cat hair. She knows snack time is nigh but seems to be doing her utmost to make it run as late as possible by making the coffee making process a chore.

Then work arrives. We got her a little cat tree to sit in the office. I didn’t want to play favorites and have her without a spot. She hates that damn tree. The only comfortable spot within 1 million miles between the hours of 8am and 5pm is a keyboard. Sometimes I can trick her with my personal laptop. I cannot trick her with an old keyboard. If it is not physically attached to a laptop, she knows, and she is pissed you even thought she would sink so low. Of course she prefers to use the keyboard that I am CURRENTLY TYPING ON. Once she stepped on some keys and typed ‘kllll’ into the chat. INTO THE CHAT. And hit send somehow. I had to apologise to someone because my cat basically said she wanted to kill them. Sure she can’t spell, because she’s a cat, but the sentiment was there.

SHE THREATENED SOMEONE!

My puppies would never. Then she has the audacity to demand pets. Holding a cell phone, reading a book? Not any more pesant! She butts her little head in there as hard as she can, often knocking whatever you are holding to the floor. Now your petting Waffles. She is 7 lbs. How does she do it? Some kind of secret cat powers?

The worst part is…I’m in love with her adorable little furry butt. I sigh and give her snuggles and pets when she comes looking for them. I let her claw me when she wants to be carried around. I let her sit in my lap when it would be more comfortable for her to sit somewhere else. Am I being brainwashed? Drugged? I didn’t even like cats 6 months ago and now I think we should get another one so she isn’t lonely.

I draw the line at sending threatening messages, though. Waffles is still trying to negotiate on that.