Christmas shopping is an unmitigated nightmare. People have died. I’m not great with crowds under the best of circumstances, but a box-shaped maze full of this year’s must-have items and 700 of your neighbors still coming down from a combo of too much turkey and too much alcohol is a bridge too far. A tension fills the air and permeates every inch of the store. It lingers especially heavily in the toy and electronics sections. I recommend never venturing there. I have a few tips. Especially considering this holiday season is shorter than usual.
Avoid Black Friday Morning Like it Means the Plague
The black in ‘Black Friday’ technically means the day that most retail stores start making a profit, going from in the red to in the black. Or it used to. I’m fairly certain that’s nonsense now, but I digress. I think we can all agree there may be more sinister undertones. Perhaps it harkens back even further, back to a time when medical care consisted of draining your blood and occasionally strapping actual live chickens onto your body. I suspect this led to patients claiming to be cured just to get the chicken removed. Of course, I mean the Black Death. That is the only promise of Black Friday morning, death. If you must go out, wait until the afternoon. Sure, the three cheap TVs the store had in stock will be gone, but so will the risk of trampling.
Online Shopping is For Winners
I love a good brick-and-mortar store. Especially a locally owned one. Hit these up in early November, or even better, in October. Once December hits, all shopping venues are a certifiable nightmare of anxiety, desperation, and far too many people per square foot. That’s without even considering the parking lot situation. Every moment spent in a store parking lot increases your risk of having a car accident by 47 million percent, a number I just made up, but suspect is correct. Playing chicken with other cars for the choicest spaces still far enough away to risk frostbite is dangerous for everyone. Venture forth at your own substantial risk.
Instead, may I suggest the great and powerful internet for most of your shopping needs? This requires some planning. Do not wait until December 15th and depend on the 2-day shipping we have all grown accustomed to because this will lead to disaster. Buy early. Get all your shopping done by December 10th or so and relax the rest of the month as packages appear at your door. If you’re feeling fancy, and have disposable income, you lucky duck, you can even have many of them shipped wrapped. Viola.
What About All Those Hard-to-buy-for People
We all have those people that are so hard to buy for. You ask what they want and they have no ideas. They don’t seem to need anything specific. Their personal collection of penguins or ducks is growing concerning and they have most of what they want. What do you get them? This year, my grandmother is the one throwing me off. I won’t say what I’m getting her here on the off chance that she reads this, but it will be incredible. Details to follow Christmas in case you need both a ridiculous and practical gift for future years.
Generally, I have one go to gift, and this will surprise no one, but GET THEM A BOOK!
Hear me out on this one.
- Books are entertainment on your schedule!
- They come in every genre from sci-fi to this-is-literature-but-actually-hardcore-smut to sports to actually literature!
- They are for all ages. Even babies love books.
- There’s always a chance the person will give you the book to read when they finish it! Wins for days!
And if you want to keep shopping small with your book selections you can check out bookshop.org and support local bookstores. (I have some affiliate links on the site for bookshop but this one isn’t. I just love them and want to shout them out around the holidays!)
Whatever you do this holiday season, make sure to take care of yourself. It is a chaotic, high-stress, high-activity time of year. The expectations can be overwhelming. Let’s all try not to let that impede enjoying time with our loved ones and the unbridled joy of someone opening the perfect gift. And keep the road rage in check. They weren’t personally targeting you when they took the perfect front spot at Barnes and Noble this morning. Probably. That last one is for me. Unless it happened to you too, in which case I’m so sorry. They were a jerk. No turn signal even. My God.
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